Reflections

Misery and Liberation

2009-12-01T19:49:00.003+05:30

I recently had an unparalleled experience of attending a 10 day meditation course, just outside Bangalore. When I signed up for same, I received a code of discipline that a student is expected to follow which besides things like "no killing, no stealing, no lies" had a requirement of silence - that is the students of the course will remain silent for the duration of the course except for the Q&A allowed with the teacher and any complaints that one may have with respect to facility or food. I thought that this will be the toughest condition to meet and after a lot of courage confirmed my attendance and landed there.

Well...to be honest, silence wasn’t an issue at all because there were bigger, tougher things. For one, getting up at 4 AM everyday...Two, 11 hours of meditation in a day...three, only 5-6 hours of sleep in the day. To top it meditation technique doesn’t really work if you take pain killers as they break connection between mind and body. So here I was, in pain and agony of body and mind. Body - because you have to sit on floor and meditate...have you ever tried sitting for one hour without back support doing nothing but watching breath? Try it and you will understand!

Mind...because your mind doesn’t want to be tamed - between 2nd and 6th day, every day I wanted to run away but I couldn’t because I had signed a written consent to stay within 4 walls of the centre. I think I forgot to tell you about this condition - for 10 days students cannot have any contact with outside world - no phone, e-mail or even newspaper. Forget newspaper, no ipod, not even pen and paper for one to capture her thoughts. Nothing...absolutely nothing else to do. Speak you anyway can’t - so meditate, eat or rest. But there was limit on eating as well - you don’t get dinner because then you won’t be able to get up at 4 AM and meditate. As for rest, the schedule allowed for max 6 hours of sleep.

All in all I would say it was a boot camp - brutal and unreal. But once I am back, I realize how important the whole atmosphere was for us to learn the technique. The technique can't be taught in a day…yes one can receive instructions in a day but one can’t understand them all in a day because one has to practice to understand. That was the focus of the course - practice and experience.

I won’t get into details of technique because there is a reason it’s taught over 10 days and is learnt with practice (that’s why 11 hours of meditation a day). But what I can share is that it is non-sectarian, doesn’t talk about God or Soul, doesn’t ask for rites and rituals, doesn’t require or rather allow words like Om or figures or shapes to be used in meditation. It’s very logical and actually draws lot of parallels from science. The technique is focused on teaching our mind to avoid strong positive or negative reactions like craving or hatred. Once the mind stops craving or hating things, one becomes less miserable. Ofcourse one has to practice it every day to achieve results.

One may ask, what made me go for this course? I wanted to find a way to be happy and I realized that no amount of perfumes and shoes will do the job. So went to this course to get rid of my misery and landed into one of another kind (no sleep, no coffee, discourses by teacher and 11 hours of hard work). All these 10 days I was certain that the place wasn’t great and course was too harsh and I was desperate to get back to my so called normal life. Infact last night at the centre, the thought that next night I will sleep in my own comfortable bed and will wake up when I want to made me deliriously happy (so sleep deprived was I!) On 11th day, as I cheerily said good-byes and left for home, I had no idea that I would feel exactly opposite the next day. Yes, I did feel miserable when I was there and assumed that luxuries of life and extra hours of sleep will make me feel better…but I was wrong. I didn’t realize that I was actually walking back into a life full of misery. No denying that those days were tough and there were numerous times when I didn’t want to be there, but those were also the days when I learnt that there is a way out of the real misery that awaited me beyond the gates of the centre.

I am glad I took the plunge and completed the course. I will definitely go back for another course to work more on the technique I learnt. In summary, those tough 10 days have shown me a path that will liberate me from my misery and I intend to follow that for the rest of my life!

whodunnit

2008-12-13T10:42:00.001+05:30

I have been asked this question innumerable times by dozens of people in the last couple of years. I am standing, for some time now, at cross-roads and am unable to decide which path to tread. Why?...because I dont know what I want. All my life, driven by logic, driven by clear needs and wants and suddenly I am not sure what I want! I have not experienced anything like this before...I have not felt indecisiveness like this before. I may have taken time to arrive at the decisions but never this long...

When I started writing this post (in apr 2008), the words above truly reflected the dilemma I was going through. Today, some things have changed and I have decided which path to follow. But its not because I took a decision or because I chose that path, the way things eventually evolved, the choice was made for me by the circumstances. So in fact, the question still is, why couldn't I decide? May be the question is framed wrong...may be the question is why didn't I want to decide? Yes...that's the correct one. I knew all along what decision I would make, if I had to...what option will I choose, if I had to...and I just didnt't have courage to accept my own decision.

Today, when the choice has been made for me by circumstances, I wonder why I waited so long..why did I let someone chose for me. Come to think of it, I actually did make a decision...a decision that I dont want to carry the burden of a wrong choice, a decision that I dont want to wonder for rest of my life if I picked the right path. I guess, in the end, it still was me who chose for me :)

who cares

2008-12-11T12:54:00.004+05:30

Whole of India was glued to television sets when Mumbai was under attack. We all were expressing anger and anguish at the happenings and how government hasn't been effective in using intelligence to counter terrorism. We all were disturbed, scared, worried about our friends and family in Mumbai. But it took one question from my American colleague to realise that none of us truly cared what happened. Some of us were on way to Chennai just 3 days after the siege ended, on an official trip and my American colleague questioned how come it was business as usual for most of us. The larger world related these Mumbai attacks to 9/11 of US and was surprised at the response of rest of India.

Yes, Mumbai did close down for those 3 days and yes crores were lost due to lack of business. But what about all of us? How many of us were truly concerned? Did any of us lose any sleep? Did we not attend the weekend party? Did we not have our planned offsites? Yes, we didn't go out to shop or to watch movie but it was more out of fear for our own lives than for anything else. For the citizens of a terror stricken country, we were fairly apathetic. After we found out that no one we knew was impacted, we went on with our lives.

I did respond to my American colleague that "may be we are more resilient", but I couldn't hep but wonder if that's the real truth!

Fighting "It"

2008-09-21T08:14:00.003+05:30

I just had an arguement with someone I care for because I felt that she was not fighting "it". In the end, I ended up wondering if I myself am doing so! I guess not...I refuse to think about it...I refuse to discuss it (even with my mom who, I know, really wants to know whats going in my mind). Am I truly fighting it?

If I were, I would not be drowning myself in those tall and slim glasses of bubbly. If I were, I would be able to listen to my favourite ghazals without shedding tears. If I were, I would be willing to answer, truthfully, to the questions I am so scared to. I guess I am not fighting it...I am hoping that if I close my eyes long enough, I will wake up and realise that it was just a nightmare!

But I know that its not a nightmare, I know that nothing will be same again, I know when I open my eyes...it will be a different world and I am not still not fighting it! May be its one of those times when you realise what it means to be the proverbial sparrow who shuts its eyes on seeing a cat.

the Spirit

2007-01-20T00:31:00.000+05:30

This post has been in production for almost 6 months now...but for unfathomable reasons I could not bring myself to complete it. The issue has raised its head up again due to some recent happenings in my personal life urging me to start typing away.
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Bura Mat Socho, Bura Mat Karo (dont think bad, dont do bad) - something our parents, teachers, our elders and even the course text books have been urging us to follow. And though the definition of bad or good varies from situation to situation, the theme has always remained the same. The question is - do I HAVE to be good or just BEING good will suffice? Is it enough to ensure correctness of action even if the thoughts you have run in the opposite direction?

Most common response I have recieved is - as humans we are susceptible to temptations of life (which usually are the "bad" things :) ) and as long as we can control our actions and not succumb to them, it is good enough no matter what your thoughts/ wants are. But, to me, it seems a response of convenience. By same logic we should not be hurting others even when we claim good intentions or our negative actions would "ultimately" benefit the other person.

Personally, of "dont think bad, dont do bad" the latter is something I am able to practice for most part...its the former that has been my undoing time and again. Come to think of it, even latter is something that I can't practice well. I have either postponed "good" actions (I shall be charitable when I have enough money to donate, I shall be nice when the consequence is not of real importance, I shall be honest when I don't need to cheat) or have carried them out of fear or some selfish interest (fear of god, fear of being caught, fear of adversely impacting my Karma, fear of being disliked).

Would I like to be good in spirit?...ofcourse...Have I been successful so far? No...and the only thought I can find solace is that I am not alone in this failure :)

"I shall be a lady when I can afford it" - famous words of Scarlett O Hara and the truth of our lives!

The Jump

2006-05-26T14:15:00.000+05:30

Somewhere during the second week when I was in California, someone in office mentioned that she had done skydiving couple of times and that its loads of fun. Ever since I didn’t want to leave the west coast without experiencing it once. The plan however didn’t work out and I was quite sad that my dream of soaring in air may never come true again. Yes…I have often dreamt of flying…just like a bird. It may have a different interpretation if you were to ask a professional but to me it definitely meant that I shall do something like hang gliding. Sky diving I had realistically kept out of the wish list as I didn’t know where in India I could do one without certainty of an accident. So when I got to know that I can jump out of a plane just couple of hours by road from where I was staying I simply couldn’t resist myself.

I tried and tried and tried but in vain as something or the other didn’t let the plan formalize. So here I was - whining and moping and suddenly just 4 days before departure, almost like a miracle, everything worked out and I got me a reservation for a Tandem Sky dive. Till the night before the scheduled event, I was quite excited about the jump…but as the day settled and evening turned into night I started to feel a bit uneasy and by next day morning (a couple of hours before the scheduled time) I was positively queasy, so much so, that I decided to skip breakfast lest I throw up in the air!

Once we reached the venue Vanita also decided to join in the fun (?) and enrolled for the dive. While she enrolled, I committed a big mistake, I asked for a sample video so that I can decide whether I want one for MY jump. And that was it - the video captured the heights, expression on first-time diver’s faces and now suddenly I felt sick to the stomach. But since money was paid-up (a good amount) I didn’t want to waste it. Video had a similar effect on Vanita and so while we waited for our turn (there was some delay due to clouds) we tried to figure out as to what made us sign-up for a jump from a height of 10,000 ft. Guess the wait (coupled with a blueberry muffin) helped settle my stomach and I was impatient to get into the gear and board the tiny propeller plane.

Finally the moment arrived - we were given 30 second training on the pose we would need to maintain, then harnessed into the gear by our respective instructors. Respective?...guess I forgot to mention that Tandem Sky Dive means diving along with a licensed instructor. He has the chute on his back and you have him on yours! Once the gear was on and adjusted and then readjusted, we boarded the plane…what a plane it was…had only one seat for pilot. Four of us sat on the floor - Pete & Vanita and Jim & me. No seats, no seatbelts and no door…wow! As we started to taxi on the runway, whatever little fear I had vanished. The climb felt awesome – we could see the buildings getting smaller, cars becoming tinier and people vanishing from the view. After a few minutes we were amidst the clouds and could see Pacific Ocean on one side. The moment was very near and while Jim was pulling and tugging and tying the two harnesses together, I felt fear creeping into my stomach again. But that moment didn’t last long as while we were getting done Vanita and Pete jumped out of the plane. Then Jim said, “It’s our turn now”. And before I could finish putting my head and arms and legs in place as instructed, we were air borne. Yes I felt some sort of strange fear when I fell out of the plane (fell? Jim just pushed us out even before I could realize what happened) but that was for just a split-second. The thrill of diving into the sky overwhelmed every other emotion and feeling. I didn’t want the free fall to end…it felt awesome…I finally was flying without any mechanical / electrical support. It was great…a thousand times better than I had imagined it to be. Alas, the chute was opened and my reverie was broken. But even that had its charm…caught between earth and sky and conversing with a very handsome young man – well such moments are to be enjoyed and cherished forever! We glided along for a while; Jim also did some tricks with the chute and got us a 360 degree view. And finally it was time to land and about 10 min after we dived out, we were back on the terra-firma.

It was an experience, I would love to relive again and again and again. Yes…I am hooked and when circumstances permit, I will get myself a sky-diving license. Am sure its going to be even more exciting to do it alone (or may be not…Jim is really hot ;-) )

My Tattoo

2006-05-20T02:05:00.000+05:30

I have always found tattoos, especially on women, extremely fascinating because of the unique statement they make – they represent in some way lack of class (I mean no blue blood person would ever imagine getting one) and at the same time possess a charm because of the bindaas lifestyle they represent. And so, I had always dreamt of having one tiny tattoo somewhere on my back. And a dream it would have remained had I not made a trip to Hollywood that fateful 28th day of April.

It was a Friday and Henry (my colleague) decided that we must visit Hollywood for couple of hours that evening. As we came out of the parking, the first thing we saw was this Tattoo shop. I had never seen a tattoo shop before so out of curiosity I walked in and was mesmerized by all the designs displayed all over the walls. There were a few clients lounging around as it was perfectly normal to be there. I enquired about the procedure and cost, but chickened out even before I could consider getting one.

We spent our time watching Emmy’s in the Kodak theatre opposite the shop and in those two hours somewhere I went crazy wondering how it would feel to have a tattoo. Finally with lot of courage I walked back into the shop and paid up the money almost without thinking (I was too scared to think!) I had always imagined a tiny red heart as the tattoo I would have…and so we (me, Henry and his wife) started looking for one. But first we found small too small, then only a heart too boring…so by the time we settled for a design it was 1.5 inches in height and 6 inches in width – a nice sized heart with a design on either side (am thankful that the colour of the heart didn’t undergo a change!)

Finally I landed up on the “hot” seat - almost white with fear of pain I was about to experience. First time I realized what it means to forget to breathe…I almost did. So exaggerated was my fear that when he actually started the procedure I said, in a disappointed tone, “Its OK!” Yes it wasn’t that painful as I had imagined it to be. But worse was yet to come – when he applied saline water to clean the area - now THAT was the real pain.

Next 30 min were more restless than painful – I couldn’t move lest I spoil the design and I couldn’t see what was happening (yes the place also stayed same – my back). After 30 min of sitting in one position, grinding my teeth at every application of saline water (and trust me there were quite a few) he tells me to wear something low waisted for next few days. NOW? Now he tells me? I hadn’t carried a single low waisted garment with me to California.

It took close to 2 weeks to heal but its been done beautifully, I love it and I guess it was worth the money and the pain.

Do you like me?

2006-05-17T04:24:00.000+05:30

Recently something weird happened…at a client location the feedback given on my work and approach was exact opposite of what I have got in my whole career so far. My analyst mind obviously realized that this is an exception and hence should be treated as one – after all a 24 hour journey from Bangalore to California couldn’t have changed my personality or work ethics. But that rational thought got buried beneath the loads of misery I felt after receiving that feedback. So much so that I started doubting my own capabilities! Thank God that I have friends who care so much for me – they spent lot of time over phone with me convincing me of my strengths and reminding me of what and how much I have achieved in life (professionally and personally). Their faith in me kept me going and today atleast me and my superboss think that we are doing well on the project. This whole episode has left me wondering – why does my self esteem stem from someone else’s opinion?

When I got negative feedback, I started thinking I am useless and when people reminded me how good I am I started feeling better! Where is my own judgment of my capabilities…rather where is my belief in them? And more I thought about it, more I realized that what others think of me and what others perceive me as is exceptionally important for me. This realization when viewed in light of the rational perspective, which it seems I reserve for others, scares me – I know that my self worth and self esteem should be a sum of my successes in professional life, love of the people I care for and smiles that I bring to peoples’ faces. I know the fact but I don’t believe in it. Why? I don’t have an answer…and that’s troubling me even me more than the actual issue.

My actions till date have been governed by what others would think of me– if I study well teachers will love me, if I help at home my parents will like it, if I share my notes my classmates would want me around, if I work hard my bosses will appreciate me, if I help colleagues they will be grateful…I have been very selfish all along…I didn’t do it because I wanted to help someone in need or because it would make me a better individual…no my motivation stemmed only from what others would think of me. Doesn’t mean that I am a much liked person – I have rubbed many a people in the wrong way as well (let’s save that for a later date)

Now don’t get me wrong here- it’s not that everything I did was because I wanted people to like me…I did quite a few because of fear of God, fear of what it would add to my already loaded Karma, fear of not doing well in my career…some places the motivation was positive as well – if I study well I will get good grades and I will get into a good grad school and I will get a good job and so on and so forth. But all along the primary driver or the FIRST thought was what he/she will think of me.

I know everyone likes being appreciated but I, I thrive on it. I know it’s wrong, I know my intrinsic worth will not diminish or enhance based on someone’s rejection or appreciation of it. All the same I am always looking for endorsements. I guess things would be fine if I had stop at that…but no, I feel miserable when I don’t get them…and as I have already mentioned before, I need to understand - Why? Guess accepting the problem is a good start in itself, am hopeful that some day I will have the answer and solution as well.

Is the grass really green – any side?

2006-04-25T18:08:00.000+05:30

We have all heard our versions of the fact that no one is completely happy…but it still doesn’t stop us from being jealous when we see someone stepping out of his Benz, when we see a handsome hunk on her arm, when we see someone having a great time with family…most of us wonder …he is so happy…why cant I be so? To be honest…I am consistently thinking along these lines – she has an awesome figure, he has wonderful family, they have amazing kids, she has achieved such fast career growth – and keep wondering why I can’t I have that life. So when I got in touch with a friend recently from my post grad days I thought now I will have more things that I think I have missed. Little did I know that I will come back with a completely different perspective.

Let me give you a brief background on her – she is married to a good looking guy, has 2 kids (a daughter & a son), lives in a million dollar house, drives a BMW and has a very secure job – a script fit for a modern-day fairy tale! Wait, here is other side of the coin – she has to cook, look after 2 kids, manage house alone as her husband travels 4 days a week and all this while having a full time job. She has no personal life, she can’t do what she wants, can’t even go out alone as hubby dear doesn’t like to be left alone with kids. He dictates pretty much everything – what she should wear, where she should go, what jobs she should apply for and so on…

So here I was dreading a visit to her place – lest the list of things I feel miserable about gets longer and there she was all green-eyed because I am leading a "free" lifestyle - free of husband, free of kids, free of house mortgage and doing whatever I feel like without having to answer anyone. This visit gave me a completely fresh thing to feel miserable about – is anyone really happy? No..no…I am too selfish to think along those lines – real issue is if no one is really happy…then what are my chances of feeling so?

And while I was writing this post…someone I was on chat with asked me why I don’t look happy in my pictures, why do my posts exude sadness? And my answer was “Happiness is subjective and relative.” (I know someone who will retort – “Peace is absolute…strive for that instead”. Guess I will reserve that conversation for some other time). I know its an old adage but for the first time I believe that it is true - a revelation that I am sure will bring about a big change in my life.

Yes happiness is relative…I was feeling very lonely and sad on Friday…wondering what am I doing here alone in this foreign land…and Sunday night when someone asked me when I am heading back home, I didn’t give my usual response (which was “hope that I will be back soon”). I suddenly wasn’t feeling sad or lonely – I was feeling good that I can afford to live my life the way I want - be away from home, spend $250 on air ticket alone to meet someone for just 2 days, sit at the bar as long as I want, roam around the malls and buy what I want….the list is endless. The fact, that it needed someone else’s perspective to put my "so called" loneliness in this light, makes me say that Happiness is subjective and relative.I sincerely wish that a day will come when we will learn to view our lives from an angle that will make grass green this side of the fence too - Amen!

Feminism Redefined

2006-04-17T18:14:00.000+05:30

What’s Feminism? This question has been troubling me since my San Diego trip last weekend. I had 2 couples and their kids for company. Both couples have a few things in common – the husbands work for my company, are in US on an International Rotation and wives are managing the kid (one is 12 months and other is just about 6 months old). But the similarity ends here. This question has its origin in the comment made by one of the two non-working mothers. I was carrying the baby of other couple claiming that it will be good for my biceps…which obviously got me the response from this lady that women need curves, not muscles. I responded that I need to protect myself as now-a-days most husbands cant even run 100 meters without panting. She said…well husbands are not needed for protection, you can buy protection - husbands are needed for their ATM cards! And this coming from a well educated post graduate woman who has held a job in the past!

It made me wonder – whether our feminism has brought us back full circle where we realize that in order to be “equal” to men, we gave up lot of our comforts – designated seats in bus, doors held open, chairs pulled out for seating and so on. I couldn’t stop thinking – isn’t she so smart? She doesn’t have to fight battles at work to prove that she is as good as most men, she doesn’t have to bear the sneers of male drivers on road, doesn’t have to worry who will take care of the baby, can take an afternoon nap and above all be patted on the back for being such a sacrificing wife, mother and daughter-in-law!

You may argue that if its feminism then it must have existed a hundred years back as well because there isn’t enough difference between this lady’s and our greatgrandmothers’ lives. And that’s where I guess I tend to disagree, today’s wife has say in everything – brand of refrigerator, size of the TV screen, clothes he wears, solitaire that she wants, friends that he can have, time he can spend outside home, car that should be bought…the list is endless! Yes…this is the height of feminism – her own life at her own terms maintained by the poor unsuspecting “Man”. Kudos to the new age “housewives”!!!